Recent History Lesson

October 20, 2006. Another Beautiful day in paradise. Recently, I realized that humans have no chance. I have come to this conclusion after realizing both A) America is the world's strongest nation & B) America is just plain messed up. To start this week off, I lost my "Lunch privileges," meaning my 'friends' wouldn't let me eat lunch with them for 5 lunches. This is supposed to be my 'punishment' for not doing everything Mike tells me, unlike Potato. This is messed up because A) Slavery was abolished in like the 1700's, B) 'Friends' are supposed to "like you for who you are" and crap like that & C) I have lighter skin than Mike anyway. So for two days I chose to eat whatever I wanted without someone making fun of me for being to plain and pouring garlic on it, I didn't have to put up with Mike's gay jokes about me and Potato, Mike always talking about how he's never been wrong, Potato's gay jokes about me and Potato, and Matt trying to make me feel better afterward. I really hope that all of them see a doctor and that Matt doesn't become a Psychiatrist. Another thing that happened this week was that I got braces. I am a teenager. My teeth were fine until about three weeks ago when my mom decided that she was going to prove that my life could, in fact, be worse. I went to the dentist to get my teeth examined, and he said that I don't really need braces but I could get them. Uhh, anyone with thousands of dollars to burn could get them. The dental hygienist said that I should become an actor to "cost-justify the investment." When I told my mom this, she said, "They tell that to everyone. You'll be glad you got them when you're older." To which I replied, "Until then I'll never forgive you. On that day I'll send you a Hallmark Card that says something along the lines of, 'Thanks for pasting metal onto my teeth and not allowing me to eat anything that can't fit through a straw for eight to twelve months.'" Okay, the message of the card was not part of the conversation, because I thought you would like it more than she would. So now I'm finally at the orthodontist's office and his assistant starts shoving rings of metal into my gums. Then she strapped them together with more metal. The Orthodontist came over and tightened some screws and said, "Good work." He then handed me a water bottle. When I opened it I realized that he is the reason that water bottles aren't allowed on airplanes. There was a toothbrush, some toothpaste, orthodontic wax, two kinds of pain reliever creams, some mouth wash, three coupons, and about 3 sheets of paper. Two of them are things I can't eat. This list goes from obvious to understandable to completely out there to "I didn't know that was edible." Some things on the list include: Popcorn, Potato chips, Soda, Apples, Pears, Orange peels, pens, paper, anything hard, anything soft, anything with sugar in it, etc. And at the bottom of the second sheet it says that this is an incomplete list. Seeing as all my teeth needed was a little white-out, I think I'll eat whatever the hell I want. Another thing that proves the world is screwed up is game 7 of the NLCS this year. Somehow, the Mets made it this far to play against the Cardinals. Winner goes to the World Series to play the Tigers. I won't bore you with the really small details. Bottom of the eighth, tied at 2, one out, Cardinals at bat. The ball is hit, and it looks like it's going over the fence. But now, it is caught in the very top of the glove, and thrown to first for a double play. Mets get to bat, don't score. Cards get up, hit a two run home run to win the series. On the morning announcements Mr. Rierden, a Mets fan, shows the cover of the paper, and amazing shot of an amazing catch by an amazing Met. He says, "What would have been the best play of the season is now forgotten, because the Mets lost. This puts us right back where we started, in the mud. But the mud is where we're comfy, and that's where will stay." I couldn't have said it better myself. Have a nice day.